The Change...

Now, don't take this as whinging, because that is not at all what it is...

But as I sit here at 1am, waiting for Izaiah to fall asleep, after he has refused his bottle, his nappy is clean, and nothing seems to be the matter, he's just sooking, because he can. It has made me realise something. Just how different your life becomes once you have a child, or two!

I'm sure people warned me how different things would be, but I either didn't acknowledge it, or I was just naive enough to believe that it was all an exaggeration.

But nothing anyone ever tells you about becoming a mother, could ever prepare you or make you fully comprehend the change your life takes. You can only truly understand once you become a mother yourself.

I mean, the word sleep loses all meaning, unless you're talking sleep-deprived. If that's the case, then I am 100% with you on that level! Haha!

Sleep-ins, what are they again? Remember those days, when you'd sleep all day, wake up and it would be like 3 in the afternoon? Those days are long gone!

Baby throw-up, being the norm of everyday life. Who would have ever imagined?

Not gagging or wanting to throw-up at the sight of a dirty, smelly nappy explosion. I can tell ya, I never saw that one coming!

Spending half an hour each and every night, scrubbing the table, chairs, wall and floor, trying to remove every trace of food. Not to mention the half hour spent scrubbing a grubby child, who has food from head to toe, and stuck to their hair, that it has to be scrubbed in the shower, for a further 15 minutes!!

Listening to a baby, scream their little head off, for no reason what-so-ever, apart from, their ability to scream when and where they feel like it.

Dealing with toddler tantrums, and a 3 month olds clinginess, day in and day out.

Not being able to leave the house, alone.

Having to spend hours getting ready to go anywhere! Packing nappies, changes of clothes, wipes, creams, bottles, snacks, drinks, toys, dummies, formula, blankets, pretty much, EVERYTHING! And that's just for the kids, then there's getting yourself ready too!

Remember, when staying the night somewhere meant throwing some undies, pj's and a change of clothes in a bag, along with a few essential toiletries? Well, guess what, that's a thing of the past too! Now, there's the portable cots, all the things stated above (only more of them), pillows, blankets, sheets, prams/strollers, shoes, food, sometimes even hi-chairs or walkers. The list goes on. You have to pack almost the whole house of kids stuff, just for one night!!

Not being able to walk through the shops without having a 2yr old screaming for one chocolate or another, causing a huge scene.

Showering alone, god that's one I miss! Haha.

Being able to wear nice clothes without them getting ruined within 5 minutes of me putting them on! What does a nice outfit look like again?

BUT...Again, no one told me of the wonderful things that come with being a Mother either.

Like the first time you hold your baby in your arms, knowing that little person is yours, and that everything you had to go through to bring this beautiful life into the world, was all worth it!

The first time your child flashes you one of those big gummy smiles, and you suddenly feel like the world has stopped, and you are the entire universe for this little being.

The love and bond that a Mother feels for her baby, the moment that gorgeous little person is placed into your arms.

The very first time your baby looks up into your eyes, the feeling inside your heart, there are absolutely no words to describe that feeling, that natural bond with your child. The most amazing feeling in the world!

The first word your baby ever says, a moment that can never be replaced. The excitement as you sit there for hours trying to coax them into saying it over and over.

When your child comes up and cuddles you, for no apparent reason, just because they love you. The love that only a parent knows.

Watching as your child learns new things, takes their first step, crawls for the first time, all those amazing firsts. Feeling your heart skip a beat everytime that gorgeous little person learns something new, and looks up at you with that little sparkle in their eye, so proud to show off that new little something that they have learnt.

The first picture that they ever draw for you. A keep-sake that you will forever keep and hold dear.

Even when you're sleep-deprived, sitting up all hours of the night, holding that precious little baby in your arms, rocking them to sleep, and having them look up at you, stare at you until they finally, slowly, fall asleep.

Having your beautiful child, look at you, as if you're the most important person in their life. Like walking into a room, and everything stops, because you're there, and all they want is you.

Hearing that gorgeous little voice say to you "I Love You Mummy" is the most rewarding sound in the world.

Khiarna and I when she was about 9mths old

Now, overall, I am positive that the wonderful feelings, the latter of this blog, completely out-weigh the first part. The good totally out-does the bad. And whilst I never acknowledged everything I was told when I was pregnant, about what it would be like once I became a Mother. I am thankful, because one of the best parts of being a parent is the lessons you learn along the way. Finding it all out for yourself. Not to mention all the rewarding parts of parenting. No one could ever prepare you for any of this! And thank God for that! Because I have loved discovering it all for myself :)

My kids mean the world to me, and I mean the world to them. The bond we have is un-breakable, and the love - unconditional.

Izaiah and I when he was about 2 days old

Being a parent is the most rewarding thing I have ever done, and will ever do.

It is the one thing, that when I'm old, and my life is coming to an end, I can look back and be proud! I am a Mother, it's not what I do, it's who I am. This is my life! My kids are my life. They are the reason I wake each and every day, they keep me going through the rough times, just one of their smiles is enough to keep me going a life-time. I am proud to say I'm a Mum! And I hope that one day, my kids will be able to say that they are proud to have me as a Mother. And that I was a good one at that. My few wishes in life are to be a good Mother, and to give my kids the best life they could ask for.

My name's Jacinta...And I'm proud to say, I'm a Mother!

Operation; Think Happy - The 1st Installment

Thank you Miss Holly Homemaker; aka - Mama Dearest/Domestic Goddess, for your inspiration!

The last few weeks, I have been pretty down,

Concentrating alot on the things that aren't going the way I want, rather than the beautiful blessings I am fortunate to have!

After reading the many other

'Operation Think Happy' topic blogs,

it made me realise something very important.

I need to be more grateful for the wonderful things I do have in my life, and focus less on the things that aren't going the way I'd like. I have so many wonderful things in my life, they need to take the number 1 spot, not the negativity.

So here's to goodbye Negativity and hello Positivity!

1.

Izaiah's good-morning smiles, each and every day when he sees my face when he wakes!

2.

Jumping on the bed with Khiarna and watching her face light up with every jump, as she repeats "Jumping, Jumping!"

3.

The ever-sweet and random good-morning texts from my hubby when he has gone to work.

4.

Listening to my two adorable children watching Dora - Izaiah squealing in delight, as his sister, Khiarna, copies everything that is said, word for word, english and spanish.

5.

Late night phone calls to Zoe, getting my vent on!

6.

Putting Khiarna to bed and having her say, without being prompted, "sweet dreams, I love you more", it melts my heart.

7.

Quiet time with Andrew, when both kids are asleep, or just quiet and entertained, just chillaxing together, making the most of the few minutes we get alone together.

There are many more things in life that I am grateful for, and that make me happy...

But they shall just have to wait until the next installment.

Until then, I will keep playing them over in my head, reminding myself of just how lucky I am, and how wonderful life really is!

Romance...A Dying Fad?

Who was the idiot that ever claimed that 'Romance Never Dies'?

I'm welcoming anyones answer on this, by the way.

Because it appears that the above statement is far from the truth! Maybe it's only me who feels this way, but I highly doubt it.

I can remember back to the 'Golden Days' when my relationship with my husband, then boyfriend, was filled with romance. Nice candle-lit baked dinners, serenades, walks along the beach, late night drives - just for the fun of it, cuddling up on the couch watching movies, sleeping cuddled tightly in each others arms, always hand in hand, arm in arm, affection beyond belief, filled with 'I Love You' at every chance. Actually spending quality time together.

Where have those days gone?

Maybe it's just my female hormones that are craving all these things, the things which were once a normality in our relationship, but is it wrong of me to be craving them? And should they all be lost, already?

I don't think so...

I feel like we are an old married couple already! And we have only been married for 2yrs!! Should the romance be gone already?

I know that having 2 kids, makes our lives much more demanding, and gives us less time to spend together, but surely, that doesn't excuse it. Surely, there must be at least one hour in the day we can spend together, kid-free. And surely we can spare a kiss and cuddle at least more than once a day. Candle-lit dinners can be made once the kiddies are sleeping, just once every so often.

It's the little things that make the big differences.

It's those little things that I miss the most.

Since when did marriage and kids make for an unromantic relationship?

In the beginning of our relationship, Andrew and I couldn't keep our hands off each other. We were inseparable. We spent every minute we possibly could together, and we got very serious, very quickly.

We met through a drunken prank phone call. I was drinking tequila straight, with a friend, when we decided to prank call this guy she knew. That prank call ended with me agreeing to meet up with him, in a dark park, in the middle of the night. Stupid much?!

We sat in his van, talking for 8hrs, without even doing anything! Unbelievable if you know my track-record with guys! Haha!!

There was a strong connection there. I'd never had a guy sit and talk to me for so long, without making a move. I started to think there was something wrong with me, that he wasn't the least bit interested in me! But my worries were soon put to rest, when after 8 long hours of talking and joking, he finally made a move.

We sat there and watched the sun-rise over the lake, a romantic sight in itself. A few hours later, he took me home.

That night while I was at work, Andrew rang my phone endlessly, nagging me to let him pick me up from work. So after work, I finally gave in and answered my phone, and let him come over.

That night, I asked what this all was to him, and he told me it wasn't a once-off, he was after a relationship. And we never looked back.

Those first few months were filled with romantic dinners, movie nights spent cuddled up on the couch, spending quality time together.

Right from the start, we knew we wanted to have kids, and we wanted to have them young. We wanted to be young parents. And we wanted to get married.

We'd only been together for like a week when Andrew told me he loved me, and together for 2 when he started talking about getting married. After 5 weeks, we moved in together. And immediately, we started trying to have a baby.

We were so intense so quickly, but it was nothing I'd ever change.

Straight away, we both had feelings, strong feelings, that we knew it was meant to be. We knew we had something that we would never find with anyone else, and wouldn't want to. What we had, what we have, is stronger than anything we've ever felt before, or with anyone else. Right from the very start, we knew we were going to spend our lives together. That we were going to get married, and have kids together.

After 4 and a half months, Andrew proposed.

After being together for 7 months, we found out that we were finally expecting a little baby. After months of trying, our efforts were being rewarded.

And the stress started!

I think that was maybe when the romance started to fade...

Everything was so real suddenly!

We had to plan a wedding, as Andrew and his Mum were all for us getting married before bub arrived. Really, I wasn't fussed either way, haha!!

In 3 months, we were married!

Things started deteriorating shortly after that, we didn't get much time together, as Andrew was working long hours, my pregnancy was full of mood-swings, in and out of hospital, and constantly feeling and being sick. The stress our relationship was under, was tremendous.

We only started to get back on track 2 months before Khiarna was born, when Andrew left work, to stay home with me and help me out once Khiarna arrived. Finally, the close bond we once had, was forming again.

That was until Khiarna was born. At first, we got hardly anytime together, at all. With all the complications we had with Khiarna's birth, I was unable to do very much, and Andrew had to do everything basically. With the stress he was under, along with me suffering from PND, it was our relationship that suffered. And I can tell you, it wasn't all smooth sailing, for a long time.

We argued all the time, and were breaking up all the time. Never for more than a few hours though!Haha!

Finally, when Khiarna was about 11months old, we got back to that 'romantic' stage. We were spending alot of quality time together, and because we were living with Andrew's parents, we found we had a life together again. Once Khiarna was in bed, asleep, we could go out and do things together, and Andrew's parents would keep an ear out for Khiarna and tend to her if she needed anything for the few hours we were gone. But she never woke anyway, haha.

When Khiarna was 13mths old, I fell pregnant again.

Nothing changed, the arguing didn't start back up again.

Now when we argue, it's nothing compared to the HUGE arguments we used to have. We say what we have to say, we don't talk for a few hours, at the most, and then we're over it.

But the affection and the quality time together, that's what is lacking now.

With Khiarna hitting the terrible 2's, Izaiah demanding attention close to every hour of the day, Andrew working long hours, and having no baby-sitters anymore (my Mum and Nan have both moved interstate now, and Andrew's Mum works and can't babysit, plus can't handle having both kids at once), we get very little time together.

I can't even go to bed at the same time as Andrew anymore. I don't normally get to bed until 2ish in the morning, and then Andrew is leaving for work at around 5am, and home around dinner time. We have dinner, he showers Khiarna, I tend to Izaiah who starts getting very sooky about an hour after Andrew gets home, and doesn't stop until he finally crashes around 12-2am.

We are both so exhausted!

And trying to make time for each other, is becoming harder and harder. Just when we think we've got a few minutes together, while Khiarna is asleep and Izaiah is settled, then Izaiah realises Mummy is no longer sitting right next to him, or holding him anymore, and then the screaming begins, AGAIN!

Our relationship isn't suffering from it really. But there are many things that I miss about our relationship, from a time when things were much more easier, when it was just the two of us. That said though, we would never change our life, not for anything. Though we would LOVE some more one-on-one time together. To be able to go out for dinner once in awhile, sit down together, even if it's only for half an hour, without a baby screaming, or a toddler reeking havoc.

To have one day where neither of us are exhausted, where the kids are babysat for a few hours, and just do things that we used to.

To not be exhausted like we are, to the point that the only time we get together, is when I crawl into bed at 2am, and Andrew rolls over and puts his arm around me. Lately, that's the extent of our affection!

Hurry up, and stop demanding Mummy's 24hr attention and affections Izaiah!!! Haha

As much as I love our 2 beautiful children, sometimes I wish we had've had more time to do things together, and spend time alone, travel together, just have more one-on-one time.

But as I've said before, we wouldn't change the life we have together.

We'll just wait until the kids are a little older and we can get a bit more alone time together, and then hopefully, these cravings for affection will be met!!

Until then, I uphold the right to crave affection and get grumpy over the fact that my expectations aren't being met!!Haha!

Am I alone in this?

Or is this just something that comes with having 2 kids, both so young, and close in age?

Will this neediness of Izaiah's pass, and give me any time alone with my husband?

I sound like a huge whinger right now, but, I'm sure (well I'm hoping anyway) that most Mummas go through these feelings too. I think it's just a lack of adult time. Lack of adult conversation, topped with exhaustion.

Ahhh...So here's my whinge.

Now I am off for a quick sleep, before one of the kids, or the hubby wakes. Here's to hoping anyway!! ;)

Fly Like a Butterfly...

Last night, my 2yr old daughter Khiarna, was introduced, ever-so-gently, to death!The loved family dog passed away :(

She was 16yrs old. Andrew's family have had her since she was just a wee little pup, and she was a very big part of their family, and ours for that matter.

After Andrew and his Dad had said their goodbyes, we decided it might be a good idea to take Khiarna to say goodbye, and to try and explain what had happened, and that she wouldn't see Sheba again.

We tried to explain it very gently to her, seeing as she is only 2, the chances of her understanding what was going on, or what we were talking about, is very slim.

We told her that she would have to say goodbye to Sheba, because she had gone to sleep, and she wasn't going to wake up, and that she would no longer be able to see her. It broke my heart, watching as Khiarna stroked her more gently than she had ever before. Then she kept repeating over and over, "Sheba's eyes, Sheba's eyes" and trying to hit her to wake her up. We told Khiarna she was going to go to the sky, and she would be in the clouds, and whenever she wanted to see Sheba she could look into the clouds, because she would be there watching her.

She said her goodbye, and told Sheba that she loved her. And then kept yelling at our new little puppy, saying "That doggy did it"!! :( We had to try and explain that Tasha hadn't done anything, Sheba was just very old and tired, and needed to have a big rest.

Once I'd taken Khiarna inside to get ready for bed, I thought of a new way to explain it to her.

Lately, Khiarna has been obsessed with death. Always throwing herself on the floor saying "Nar-Nar's dead" or if she sees someone asleep, she'll say they're dead. And the other day when watching a movie, she saw a guy dying on the tv and turned to me with a troubled look on her face and said "Mummy, he's dying"!

So part of me thought that maybe she would understand if I told her Sheba was dead, and she wouldn't be able to see her anymore.

Unfortunately, I was wrong. Upon telling Khiarna that Sheba was dead, she threw herself to the floor and started saying over and over "Nar-Nar's dead Mummy!"

Today, Khiarna has been outside, and hasn't even noticed that Sheba isn't there anymore. But, I wish I could say that it will last, but I know it won't. When we had to get rid of our other 2 dogs, Khiarna didn't seem to notice that they were no longer around until a few months after they were gone, then she was obsessed, and kept calling them and looking for them. So, give it a few more months, and Khiarna will notice that dear old Sheba is no longer around, and when she realises it, it's going to break her heart.

Khiarna loved Sheba to pieces, and would drag her around the yard all day. Try riding her back, cuddling her, feeding her all her food, she would even feed her rocks, leaves and flowers; and even stranger, Sheba would eat them! Anything Khiarna gave that dog, she would willingly eat, as if it were a treat. Khiarna would put the lead on her and walk her around the back yard, brush her hair, try and bath her with a bucket of water. She absolutely adored that dog! As far as she was concerned, Sheba was her dog, and she could do whatever she wanted with her :( the bond they had was incredible, especially for such an old dog, and one who hadn't grown up with Khiarna. But, Sheba was the only dog that has been the for the whole of Khiarna's life so far, and the only one she's had such a strong bond with. And now, all I can do is wait for the realisation that all of that is gone, and try to pick up the pieces.

As much as that dog would annoy me, follow me everywhere, and just get on my nerves, she will be greatly missed. And mainly for the bond she had with my daughter, and the friendship they shared. Sheba was Khiarna's best friend.

It's true what they say - dog really is man's best friend. And a child's best friend even more-so.

R.I.P Sheba....You will be dearly missed.

In or Out?

Today, I bought a long-lost luxury. I purchased the latest Cleo mag! For the first time in probably long over a year! Sad? Yes, very!

A simple and small luxury, that has been long forgotten for quite some time now :(

I can still remember those far-away days, the ones where I purchased a copy ofboth Cleo and Cosmopolitan magazines, each and every month, without fail. Starting at 15, sitting around those ugly metal benches at school, with all my friends, reading all the juicy sex tips and secrets. Absorbing every tiny hint and detail. A whole other life-time away... Sigh.

But, getting back to the point now...

I found myself flicking through the pages, hoping to find something juicy and remotely interesting - seeing as I lucked out with juicy sex articles this month - and stumbled across an article that hit close to home.

'Is Staying In The New Going Out?'

This article stuck out like a sore thumb for me. Normally, I'd find these article boring and flick right on past it. But these days it seems my priorities, along with my interests, have changed course.

The article talks about how many 20-somethings are now opting for the quiet night-in, rather than the all-nighter, alcohol induced, club sessions.

Apparently, I'm not alone!

I'd never really noticed before reading this article, how a night-out clubbing, comes second to a nice night-in, in my eyes lately.

After spending all week changing nappies, making and giving bottles, bathing, feeding, cleaning, washing, trudging through tantrum territory, sleepless nights and playing the role of Mummy and Wife; the last plan on my agenda, is spending hours getting dressed up, heading out to a club filled with sleaze-bags, and slutty 'just-turned-18' year old girls, for a night of disappointment.

Because, honestly, that's what it turns out to be. Drinks cost a fortune, the music is usually shit, the dance-floor almost empty, and I just don't feel comfortable in that scene anymore, for some reason. The 'idea' of a night-out at the club is far more appealing than the night actually turns out to be, sadly.

Most of the friends I used to head out with, are no longer around, and the night just isn't the same these days. We end up heading outside for a smoke, and spending most of the night, sitting outside, whinging and bitching about everything and anything.

The friend I used to go out with every weekend, now also has a kid - though she is still in the club scene every weekend, and still has the confidence and stamina for a night filled with drunken all night dancing - it's not like 'the good old days'!

Another friend, works with alcohol 5-6 days a week, putting up with drunken idiots all the time at work, and frankly the last way she wants to spend her nights off and spare time, is in that same scene. Plus, she isn't one for the 'girl's night out'. She'd rather we all go out together as couples. Something that always back-fires with Andrew and I. Mix alcohol, and a night out with Andrew and I, we end up with arguments of disastrous proportions.

Everyone else either lives too far away, or just isn't around anymore.

i just don't seem to have the same type of confidence that I once did, either. I need to have a few drinks in me now-a-days to actually want to get up and dance the night away. Confidence, I have found, comes in numbers. When out with a big group, I'll be up dancing, regardless of how many drinks I have or haven't had. But sadly, those numbers are lacking.

Plus, I also think, clubbing is far more fun when you're single? Or maybe it's just me?

Half the fun (well more than half, really ;P ) with heading out for a night at the club, was the male possibility!

Judge me if you will, but I'm sure many of you were once the same.

My goal, in a night out at the club, was simply - to pick up. And it was fun! I'd get completely wasted, put myself out there, do whatever I wanted, flirt with who-ever, carry on, do whatever I wanted, with who-ever I wanted.

Now don't get me wrong, I love my husband and my kids, more than anything in this world, or any other for that matter, but sometimes I do miss that freedom. To go out whenever I wanted, with who-ever I wanted, wherever I wanted. To pick-up a new guy every night, if that's what I wanted to do.

And as much as I love my life now, sometimes I miss that part of life. I would never change the life I have now though.

But here I am, at the tender age of 21, married with 2 kids, spending all of my time at home, playing the role of mother and wife. While most people my age are still out partying, and sleeping around.

When I go out now, I spend my time worrying about my kids. Are they behaving themselves, should I really be out or should I be at home with them? Or telling random sleaze's to back off, because as much as I sometimes miss the fun of sleeping with some guy you know you'll never see again, and sometimes you may never want to see again, I love my husband, and no matter how tempted, would never do anything with another guy. It's not worth it, and my marriage and my kids are worth more to me than some random pick-up, that probably won't be any good anyway. When i know I have 3 wonderful people waiting at home for me, that can give, and already have given me, everything I could ever need in this life, and the next.

But, I can't help but feel old beyond my years. I feel like I'm 51, not 21. Sitting at home every weekend, playing with my kids, or watching tv with the hubby, while others are out doing the things I spent most of my years doing.

Maybe it's the novelty? Does the novelty of going out every night and getting drunk beyond all recognition, fade?

I started drinking and partying at the young and naive age of 14. Spending each and every weekend getting trashed, and hooking up with any and every guy I could. At that age, it was all a game. Now everything is so much more serious. I am well aware of the consequences that follow my actions. The impact my behaviour can have on others.

Do these 'young' ones out doing all the things I once did, realise what they are actually doing? The reputation that is going to follow them due to their actions and behaviour. 'It takes minutes to earn a reputation, but years to lose it' I was told many times growing up, but I was too young and naive to pay any attention to it. i had to learn the hard way, and believe me, I did!

But does a night-in, really have to mean a night-in?

What happened to the good old days of movie nights, going out for dinner. All those 'quieter' things?

Just because I have 2 kids now, does it really mean that I give up all of those too?

Where did all the friends go? The ones who were always there when you were heading out drinking for the night, but are now nowhere to be found when you opt for a quieter option? Is clubbing the only option for a night with the girls?